FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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