If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
