I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
