Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
