get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
