Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
