dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
