i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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