Someone shit on the floor
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
