Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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