I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
