need another drink. this is the easiest way
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
