OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
