Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
