someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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