I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
