Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize