Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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