Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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