His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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