if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize