Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
