1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
