i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize