Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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