You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
