And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
