Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
