gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
