Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
