I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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