Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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