Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
