you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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