do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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