i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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