He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
