i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
