i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
