i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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