Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
