he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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