if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
