so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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