I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He passed out mid-signature
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
