My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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