get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have aggressive nipples.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
