There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
