i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
