You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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