I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
