Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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