If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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