alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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