I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
