You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
