This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
