Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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