I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize