Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
