i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We got so high we made milksteak
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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